My London Navigation Strategy

I don’t have a satellite navigation system, or ‘sat-nav’ as it is ever so fondly referred to by people who seemingly hold it in similar regard to a family pet. Hell, thinking about it I don’t even have a map. I have a less advanced system of navigation. If there had been motor cars in the stone-age (a tremendous feat of engineering admittedly) then this is the system they would have used.

I head for London Zoo or C. London when travelling towards London from the North. In the hope that on reaching the centre, or better still Regents Park, I will eventually stumble upon Edgware Road or Marble Arch if I drive around a bit.

Now on Tuesday I drove 77 miles going from Stevenage to Luton and then on to the Victoria. The RAC Route-finder suggests that my route, whilst arguably more scenic, adventurous and educational, is perhaps not the most mileage and time efficient. Mind you this navigational method is, believe it or not, second generation, and superseded the ‘drive straight theory’ that I used, almost religiously, up until a Friday in January 2004 that I remember quite vividly.

I had been at Wimbledon dogs, and my journey there was surprisingly smooth mainly thanks to the simplicity of the A3 and the close proximity of the A3 to Plough Lane. I live in the Woking area so Painshill to Wimbledon proved easy even for a man of my reputation. Afterwards I decided to go to the Victoria Sporting Club. Wimbledon to Edgware Road proved rather troublesome.

I set about driving North East expecting something familiar to appear at any moment that would act as my point of reference. Twenty minutes or so after I had left Wimbledon I was force to accept that despite having been on the particular road I was on before it didn’t mean that I wasn’t lost. I remember knowing that I was somewhere in Streatham, but quite how I had managed to go so far off track was something of a mystery.

Rather than driving about until I saw I a sign with “C. London” on it (this ‘new’ technique was as yet not my preferred method of navigation) I instead employed the ‘drive straight theory’. Now this theory is absolutely fool proof in its own way. It is simple and easy to follow and pretty much guaranteed to get you to your destination eventually.

Basically the theory is based on the fact that the perimeter of London is entirely circumnavigated by the M25. Thus provided you drive in an approximate straight line from anywhere in London you will before long see a sign directing you to an M25 junction.

It all went a bit wrong on this rainy Friday in January. From Wimbledon to Streatham to a few other non-descript places time was ticking. However I knew that if I just picked a direction and stuck to it I would hit the M25. If I could get on the M25 I would have no trouble finding the M40/A40 and even I knew the way to the Vic from the A40.

What can I say it is fool proof, and it worked again. However from Wimbledon I had somehow managed to intersect the M25 at South Mimms! Two and three quarter hours from Wimbledon to Edgware road was a touch embarrassing, and brought shame upon the technique that would mar it forever. The drive straight theory had its final bow that evening, and was retired in favour of the current technique.

Matthew In Poker Shock!

Something weird happened on Tuesday. I actually wanted to play poker. I went to Stevenage to watch Woking earn a draw, and after the game decided to make the short trip to Luton to play the fantastic dealers choice game I have heard so much about. I arrived to find that there was no game, so I rang Paul Martin to find out what time the game usually started. He said that there wouldn’t be one on a Tuesday. Tremendous, the one day I actually want to play and there is no game. Well this only served to increase my desire to play, so I thought I might head to the Victoria Sporting Club.

To find out what was going on I decided against ringing the card room, and instead did what any sensible person would do in that situation. I phoned Neil C to find out what was really going on. There was no answer, so I left the usual nonsensical message and headed down the M1.

Obviously I got lost on the way. Anyone who has had the privilege of being my passenger will testify to my unconventional (ok then, shit) navigational skills. I arrived at the Vic about an hour and twenty minutes after leaving Luton (not bad for me) and made my way to the card area (it’s not a room any more, just an area upstairs). Unfortunately the waiting list was fairly long so I ‘played over’ which I don’t really like to do, and that, in conjunction with the long journey, meant that I had now lost my earlier appetite to play. I played for half an hour and headed home. I considered that my earlier desire was mainly fuelled by the fact there was no game, and had there actually been a game at Luton I would have probably lost interest after twenty minutes anyway.

I went home and played a tournament on the net. During which time I was bored enough to pen the following Limerick.

The game has become rather bland,
And I’ve been patiently waiting for a hand,
It’s now my big blind
And I must be behind
But I say bollocks lets make a stand.

It’s more Mr Kipling than Rudyard unfortunately but it pretty much summed up my mood and that was the end of my tournament basically.

At that point I checked my phone to see that I had just missed a call from Neil. I duly rang him back and he proceeded to tell me what was going on at the Victoria. After he had finished I told him that I pretty much new what games were going on because I had been there earlier. We had a conversation about various things, there was of course his obligatory bad beat story in the middle, and as the conversation drew to a close he gave me one of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given by anyone in the poker community. What’s more I will share it with you now.

“Cheer up you miserable bastard” was his closing sentence. This mind bogglingly simple, yet absolutely essential suggestion was just about the best piece of advice I have been given since Kevin O’leary declared “ I treat any person involved in the preparation of my food like a friend.” With this in mind I later cheered myself up by taking a little trip down memory lane. Fortunately by memory lane I meant to reminisce about little things that have made me chuckle and not a road in London. Otherwise I’d never have found it!

I basically reminisced about my navigational techniques and previous occasions where I had also taken ages to get to my desired location. It cheered my up no end and made my earlier frustrations pale into insignificance.

It's Been A While

I’ve not posted for a while because I’ve not been very busy this week. For some reason I seem both tired and lethargic. It’s probably a direct result of spending a ridiculous amount of time in bed. However on the few occasions I have managed to stay awake for a worthwhile period, I have without fail found a displacement activity that would be considered totally ridiculous by any sane man, woman or alien. Now I don’t want people thinking that I fall asleep every ten minutes, so I think it is important at this stage to make a key definition. A “worthwhile period” is from here on in defined as ‘noun & adjective. a length of time sufficient enough to 1. Read an average size novel. 2. Make lunch and watch an utterly predictable disaster movie. 3. Find and play a game of poker.’

Anyway, I think I may be losing the plot. I did something very strange today. So ridiculous in fact that I’m none to keen to share it at this stage. I think I need to have a quiet word with myself.

Hole In My Heart

There’s a hole in my heart where the darts used to be…Hopefully now this hole will at least be partially plugged by the BDO version of the title, which is on the BBC this week. It may not be quite the same but there is a void that needs filling. So despite my apathy towards the BDO, following the mistreatment of their greatest assets in the early 90’s, I will most probably watch most of the coverage.

I have also had a sneaky each way punt on 33-1 shot Tony O’Shea, who after reaching the final of the World Masters at the end of last year is an each way gift at that price. Darryl Fitton currently trading at 23 on betfair is also a price of note. He does however have a tough opening match against perennial under achiever and much fancied Martin Adams. Fitton is an overly generous 11/8 to win this even match.

Dangler Management

I watched Anger Management on Sky Movies last week and to be frank I found it rather lame. I drifted in and out of various thought trains, and somehow found myself thinking that Dangler Management would have been a more appropriate title for the film. I of course came to this conclusion due to the similarities between creating this film and playing a game of Irish!

Now I must at this stage declare that I’m not a fan of this particular game, and confess that it is almost entirely due to my inability to play it well. However, if the film directors had any affinity for playing Irish they would have immediately identified the dangler in their hand, and discarded Adam Sandler from the cast list at the first opportunity. He unfortunately does not fit in to a cast list including Jack Nicholson and Luis Guzman. Sandler is simply the off suit four that arrives with the nine, ten and Jack.

Anyone wanting to improve at the game of Irish should watch this film with dangler management in mind, as I am sure it would highlight the virtues of the game. The next time I play Irish and see a flop, I will, with this film in mind, select my dangler with much greater care.

Here is My New Year’s message to all. If you watch Anger Management you will see a flop. At least if you watch it with Dangler Management in mind you should be in better shape after the flop.

Festive Frolics

Well festive frolics have been few and far between. Family stuff has meant that I’ve been away from the PC which has sadly meant no blog updates, no cracking on during the King George, busy football schedule and worst still the PDC world darts championship which is traditionally a decent earner. This year would have been no different. There have been some absolutely fabulous opportunities during this Darts tournament and unfortunately I have missed nearly all of them but for the odd trip to Ladbrokes. The in running options are a gift from the Prophet of Profit but PC availability has been a big blow.

There is now only 1 match remaining Peter Manley v Phil Taylor. Opportunities here are limited and the only sensible bet is to lay Peter Manley with a 4.5 handicap at 1.67 on Betfair. I would also back Phil Taylor to win if Manley can win the first set. If he can win the first set against the darts I may even wait until the end of the second set.

I will end this post with a cutting from MSN Messenger that perhaps summed up my mood yesterday while I was playing the $200 on Paradise

Matthew says:
Only 600 left after 30 minutes! 200 out already, 190 of which are complete pricks and 10 were lucky enough to run into pricks but then unfortunate to lose to said pricks
Ben says:
LOL
Ben says:
good analysis

Happy New Year.